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I would also buy her an indestructible moto helmet and tell her “Just make sure you’re around to change my diaper in 40 years.” Yes, a young, healthy Cambodian wife would really make my life easier during my final years. Someone who can climb ladders and replace lightbulbs when my balance becomes unsteady. My Cambodian wife would immediately be wealthier than she ever imagined. I would even let her fleece me for extra money to support her extended family. Moreover, I would never beat my Cambodian wife or cheat on her. She then demanded to see what was on my digital camera. After I first visited Cambodia in 2003, I thought it would be fun to learn some Khmer for my future visits. I am afflicted with social awkwardness and occasional Catholic guilt. You need professional help, you weirdo.” But a Cambodian wife would be far less likely to recognize my eccentricities or confront me about them.Someone who can drive me to doctor’s appointments when my eyesight is shot. We would live in a nicer house than she ever dreamed of. That’s because I was raised to believe that domestic violence and adultery are morally wrong. I actually had no photos from Cambodia, but I did have photos from a bar in Hong Kong, where a friend and I had spent an enjoyable but expensive evening being hustled for drinks by Filipina floozies. I thought this would really impress the Cambodian ladies and distinguish me from all the other Western creeps they meet. All of the audio courses I could find were on cassettes. Then the Dunwoody Press Cambodian Intensive Basic Course. Of course, I had to buy a fucking cassette player as well, because who the hell owns a cassette player in the twenty first century. After hundreds of hours of studying Khmer and many visits to Cambodia, I still can’t say much more than “Hello,“ “Thank you,” and “Another beer please, on my friend’s tab.” Actually, every once in a while, usually after a few beers, I do manage to string together a few Khmer sentences in a hilarious and charming way that makes all the bargirls within earshot erupt in laughter and/or applause. This year I spent a disturbing amount of time online looking for photos of Anthony Weiner’s cock. Due to the significant Cambodian-Western cultural differences, a Cambodian wife might even believe that everything about me is “normal” for Western guy: “Is he at the computer again?

My sickly pallor that turns off Western women is a strange aphrodisiac to Cambodian women. ” Instead, they would whisper, “Do you think his wife was a hooker? By getting married, I can greatly decrease the chances of dying alone. Preferably not your typical Phnom Penh bargirl who lives on the edge, sleeps around, slurps tequila like a Mexican dockworker, and always complains of stomach problems. Former bargirls probably have the about same life expectancy as former professional wrestlers.

I’ve actually had several beautiful young Cambodian women profess their desire to marry me while gazing at my with lust in their eyes. It was more like the look in the eyes of a puppy who wants to be saved from the dog pound. It lets people know you’re not a homo.” I don’t think that being single has held me back in my career. She doesn’t have to be well educated, she just has to be smart enough not to use a hair dryer in the bathtub. The typical Cambodian girl grows up simply hoping that one day she can find a husband who will love her and provide basic financial support for herself, her children, and her parents. from Cambodia, the immigration officers at LAX airport often interrogate me about why I travelled to Cambodia alone and what I was doing there.

But ten years ago, shortly before his death, my grandfather asked me, “So, when are you going to settle down with a . On our engagement day, I wouldn’t just give her a diamond ring and profess my love to her. Preferably a man who doesn’t beat her up and keep a mistress on the side. To borrow a term from comedian Chris Rock, Cambodian women are “low expectation havin’ motherfuckers.” I am confident that I could meet their incredibly low expectations. It’s not just my co-workers who suspect that I’m a creep. One time, a humorless female immigration officer asked me if I took photos during my trip to Cambodia.

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